The big C

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It’s been a whirlwind the past few weeks.
I found out I have DCIS. Which is a form of non invasive breast cancer. Definitely not the worst thing ever but it’s still scary. Instead of celebrating my 21st birthday like a normal person, I’m getting a lumpectomy.
My family and My ex are the only people who know. Sometimes I regret telling him but I don’t have any friends to go to. He still puts his work over me. Which at this point doesn’t surprise me. I knew nothing would change but I guess a part of me hoped he would want to spend more time with me.
Now my main focus is getting through this semester and going home so I can be with my mom. I miss her a lot. And now that we both have breast cancer, I kind of feel like we’re in this together. It just sucks being 3 hours away at school where I have no one. I’ve recently been pretty sick which has made everything worse. I’ve spent most of my time in bed trying to get better so I can go to work every night. Occasionally I feel up to going to class but not for long. I’m so behind on my schoolwork. I just can’t wait until all of this is over. I need a fresh start. I never thought I would have cancer. For some reason I just thought it was for older people. I mean, I knew anyone could get it. Just not me. You always think you’re invincible until God shows you otherwise.
Anyway, I’m not sure the next time I’m going to post anything but I’ll talk to you then.

With love,
AC

Pawpaw

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I finally put the program from my pawpaw’s funeral up in my room. I still haven’t been able to look at his picture without crying. I miss him so much. The other day I was cleaning out the old contacts from my phone and I came across his number. I couldn’t bring myself to erase it. I know I’ll never use it again. I’ll never get a call from him again. But I don’t want to get rid of it. I keep having dreams that I’m at his funeral again. I remember staring at him in that casket and thinking about how different he looked. I’d never seen him so dressed up lol he always preferred to wear jeans and a baggy shirt. Granted, he was about 7 feet tall and stick thin so everything was baggy on him. He had lipstick marks on his forehead from all of my female relatives kissing him on the head. All I could do was put my hand on his chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my big brother cry so much. He was really close to my pawpaw. He would visit him often on the weekends. My pawpaw loved just sitting on his front porch and watching the cars go by as he drank some beer. It’s weird to think I’ll never see him again. I don’t think it has set in yet. It’s been a rough month back at school. But I just keep thinking about the look on his face in heaven when I finally graduate.

To be loved again

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I know it’s been a good while since I’ve posted anything. Work and school are consuming my life right now. Which I don’t mind too much because it’s making my last semester here go by faster. I’m constantly thinking of my ex though. I see him all the time. Have you ever wanted something so badly you’d make yourself look like a fool just to have it? I’ve seriously been considering staying here if he’d consider taking me back. I know how completely stupid that sounds. I know. Especially after all of the posts I made about moving on. But being around him now is hard. I can’t look at him and not feel anything. I know he’s no good for me but I can’t get over him. The guy I was talking to over the break said we should “just be friends” because I seemed emotionally detached.
I don’t blame him. I couldn’t seem to feel anything for him. I knew he was a great guy but I couldn’t make myself want him. I often came off as cold hearted towards him and he didn’t deserve that.
You know how we’re always told never to give up? Well, at what point do we throw in the towel when it comes to relationships? I want to fight for him. But if he’s not fighting for me, then there’s no fight at all. I keep thinking he’ll wake up one day and realize he wants to work on us again. But it hasn’t happened yet. I know he cares about me. If I don’t talk to him for a while or if I seem distant he tries to talk to me more. He wants to hug me. He tells me he misses me. But it’s only because he’s so used to having me around that he barely knows what it’s like to be without me. I’m honestly thinking of just cutting him off completely for a while to see what happens. Maybe then he’ll see things differently.
I don’t know. I’m just babbling.
I feel lost right now. My heart is pounding out of my chest because I want him to just see me like he used to. I want to be loved again. Is that too much to ask?

Nothing New

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I let my guard down. I came back to school and he pulled me back in. He invited me over. He was actually being nice to me. And he got exactly what he wanted. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie today and I said yes. I was excited. I thought maybe he had missed me and wanted to make up for lost time. No. Of course the time rolls around when we were supposed to hang out. He pushed it back an hour. That hour comes and he pushes it back again. Needless to say we were supposed to hang out at 1 this afternoon and it’s currently almost 9pm. I heard my roommates talking to him on the phone. He’s going out with them tonight. I didn’t get a text or a call back, but I heard all I needed to hear from my little front room. He was ignoring me. He played me. Again. I couldn’t help but to cry. And while I lay in bed crying it was like déjà vu. I’ve been here before. Upset because he broke a promise to me. I’m used to this. This is NOTHING NEW. And the sooner I realize that I’m strong enough to be without him, I’ll never have to experience crying in this bed over him again. This bed has seen me cry for two years over this man. I’m constantly being pushed to the side by him. And somehow he charms me into thinking otherwise. Well it’s not happening this time.

He can just fuck right off.

Goodnight everyone!
AC

Back Like I Never Left

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. But I’m back at school. Unfortunately. Everything is just like it was before. I really can’t get through this semester fast enough. I’m just going to focus on school and getting in shape. I’m not going to let my ex be the only thing on my mind again.
I’m sure I’ll have more to write later,
Wish me luck!

That’s it.

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I broke down and decided to call him. And you know what?
He actually picked up.
After not hearing from him for over a week.
At first I was shocked. I hadn’t planned on him answering. The first thing he said was “Hey, what’s up?!”
Umm HELLO!!!? YOU HAVEN’T SAID A WORD TO ME IN OVER A WEEK!! WHATS UP?!
All I could say was “uh, hey?”
Eventually after I sat there for 5 minutes , I started to ask him what the hell possessed him to ignore me, why he’d been with his ex, and why he couldn’t take 2 seconds to say ANYTHING to me.
You know what he said? “Well I was busy”
….what? We have never gone more than a day without talking to each other. He then proceeded to try and turn everything around on me and make this my fault. I ended up crying of course because what the hell just happened?! He’s supposed to be apologizing to me. But instead I’m getting yelled at?
I ended the call in tears by telling him the one thing I’ve never said to him out loud. But after this month it’s all I could say. I told him I hate him. For leaving me to mourn alone after my grandfathers death, for ignoring me for a week, for not saying anything after I told him my mom’s cancer was back. Hate was truly all I could feel. And I hung up. He sent me a text afterward saying he’s sorry he wasn’t there but the fact of the matter is that he wasn’t there and that’s it.
…. That’s it??
Okay. Then that’s it. That’s fine with me.

The Versatile Blogger Award

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I was just nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award and I really wanted to thank Phiemyndz! I’m fairly new to blogging and I really appreciate her noticing my posts. The link to her blog is https://phiemyndz.wordpress.com

The Rules

1. Show the award on your blog.

2. Thank the person who nominated you.

3. Share seven facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 15 blogs.

5. Link your nominees blogs and let them know.

Facts About Me:
I absolutely love watching and playing sports, I am a junior in college, I am from the US, I am biracial (black and white), I love Mexican food, I have one older brother, and I really enjoy watching 90’s sitcoms (especially Friends).

Blogs I have Nominated (in no particular order):

http://ateenagersaddictiontolove.wordpress.com
http://janelou.wordpress.com
http://coffeeandmusings.wordpress.com
http://gentlemansparks.wordpress.com
http://vivaciouslysavvy.com
http://oaplascencia.wordpress.com
http://thebraudgroup.wordpress.com
http://maybethiscanwork.wordpress.com
http://mummytoastar.wordpress.com
http://phiemyndz.wordpress.com
http://bigfish2fishbait.wordpress.com
http://anywhereiwouldvefollowedyou.wordpress.com
http://quirrk.wordpress.com
http://natalieslovelyblog.com
http://heartsbiggerthenthesun.wordpress.com

The heart vs The mind

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Ugh. What is wrong with me? Why do I still love my ex? He literally treated me like a piece of trash that he threw on the side of the road. He hasn’t cared about what he did to me. He was with his ex the day he decided not to talk to me anymore. For all I know, they’re probably back together again. I have this great guy that wants to spoil me and is so understanding, but I still think of my ex. He’s the only person I’m able to think of in my future. Someone tell me to get over him. Tell me I’m being stupid. Why does the heart do this to us? My mind knows good and well that he is no good for me at all. My mind is telling me to hate him. My mind remembers all the wrong he did to me. But my heart remembers all the good times. My heart aches at the thought of seeing him with his ex. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

I’ll Talk to you Soon

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He texted me last night. All he said was “I’ll talk to you soon.” Nothing else. It’s been a week and that’s all he said. I’m sure that soon means when we get back to school, he’ll sit me down and break my heart all over again. Or maybe he won’t talk to me soon at all. I don’t know. The weird thing was, I actually had some sort of hope that “I’ll talk to you soon” was a good thing. That maybe he just needed time alone and he’d decided he wanted me back. But that was stupid thinking. He’s just been too much of a coward to tell me the truth and give me any closure. I need to realize that he will no longer be in my life. No good will ever come out of being with him again. I need to focus on myself. And as for the new guy I’ve been talking to, he deserves a chance. He has been nothing but respectful and supportive. Now I’m not saying I’m going to throw everything I have into him. But it will be nice to try again with someone that seems to actually care about me for a change.